Mr. Lighter- Hey, so how was your dad’s wedding? Student- It was okay. Mr. Lighter- Just okay? Student- The food sucked. You know Alexia at the high school? She’s my stepsister now, and she was running around dancing and screaming the whole time. She sucked worse than the food. Mr. Lighter- Ouch. Student- But it was cool, because when I got home the next day, my stepdad took me...
Student- My favorite Chinese restaurant got closed for serving cats and dogs! Mr. Lighter- Oh man! Student- But sometimes we still go there because they have crab puffs.
Female Student- Mr. L, Carson just kicked me in my wiener!
Student: Mr. L, will you sub for us when Mrs. Taylor has her baby next month? Mr. Lighter: Can’t buddy! I’m movin! Student: What?! Mr. Lighter: I’m headin to San Luis Obispo! It’s time to blow this taco stand! Student: Why? You’re just going to run out of money and have to move back home again.
Student: Mr. L, have you seen the Bad Romance video with Lady Gaga? Mr. Lighter: No, I haven’t, but I heard it’s some weird, wild stuff! Should I check it out? Student: NO. She’s a crazy bitch.
Student A- Mr. L, Brian showed us his penis twice! Mr. Lighter- WHOA WHOA WHOA!!! Did you really?! (Brian nods his head.) Mr. Lighter- Buddy, you can’t DO that! Why on earth did you pull your pants down? Brian- Because they told me I had pooped my pants and I was checking.
Student A- We have to write an essay comparing Twelfth Night and She’s the Man with Amanda Bynes. Mr. Lighter- Wow, Amanda Bynes vs. Shakespeare! I love it. It sure beats writing about the Globe Theater, am I right? Student A- Yeah, I guess, but what’s the lesson you learn from She’s the Man? Mr. Lighter- Is that the one where she dresses up as a dude to fall in love with...
Student: “…and if she says one more thing to him, she’s gonna get her ass beat.” Mr. Lighter: “WHOA! Why are you going to beat someone’s ass?” Student: “Because my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend is pretending she’s pregnant to try and get back together with him, and I’m not going to let her steal him away from me!” Mr. Lighter:...
Student: “Mr. L, what are we doing for PE today?” Mr. Lighter: “Where’s your cowboy hat? Cuz we are LINE DANCING TODAY!!! YAHOOOO!!!!” Student: “Aw man, line dancing is gay!” Mr. Lighter: “Hey man, you know you can’t say stuff is gay!” Student: “Okay, line dancing is retarded!”
Student A: “Did you go to college?” Mr. Lighter: “Hell yeah! UC Santa Barbara, GO GAUCHOOOOOOSSSSSSS!!!!!!!” Student B: “So if you went to college, why don’t you have a better job?”
Mr. Lighter: “And why were you late?” Student A: “Cuz my arms hurt from my tattoos, so I got up hella late. Then I was at McDonalds. And I couldn’t remember if my suspension was over today or tomorrow.” Mr. Lighter: “WOW! First question: What did you get at McDonalds?” Student A: “French toast sticks, yo.” Mr. Lighter: “Gross. Alright, second question: Did your tattoos hurt?” Student A:...
Student A: “Mr. L, why are you wearing a tie today?!” Mr. Lighter: “Hey buddy, it’s hard work being the most beautiful man in the whole world!!! I have to keep it up!” Student A: “Heyyyyyy!!!!!!! You’re silly! I like your tie!!!!” Mr. Lighter: “Thank you! And I think YOU’RE silly!” Student B: “Mr. L, I don’t like...
Student A: “So when are you going to be a regular teacher?” Mr. Lighter: “Are you kidding me? You think I want to deal with students the rest of my life? I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning as it is.” Student A: “You suck. What do you want to do then?” Mr. Lighter: “I think I’m going to go for legend status. I can write a decent...
Student: “Do you think that since I’m doing P.E. makeups, the softball coach will think that I’m a slacker?” Mr. Lighter: “Maybe… but then I would just go up to him and tell him, “Hey Dude, I missed a day of P.E. and I wanted to raise my grade, BOOM!!!” I think he’ll get it.” Student: “Ok, cool!” Mr. Lighter:...
Mr. Lighter: “Hey, so how’s little Carlos doing?” Teacher: (sighs heavily) “…I’m going to kick Carlos’ ass.”